Amanda Johnson Middleton

I STILL REMEMBER, EVERY SUNDAY GETTING THE NEWSPAPER AND FINDING WALDO BEFORE YOU DID.

WHEN YOU WOULD  FIND HIM BEFORE ME, I WOULD FIND HIM AND COLOR  HIM TO MAKE HIM HARDER TO FIND.

UNTIL YOU CAUGHT ME. LOL


I MISS OUR WISH BONE TRADITION WE HAD.

I HAVE IT WITH CARLY NOW.

WE WILL DO IT AGAIN ONE DAY... THAT IS MY WISH..

Amanda,

 I never had the chance to get to know you like I know Angela "My Bestie". Although I feel like I know you from the stories I've heard! Your daughters are beautful just like you. I stll pray and trust that the Lord will keep them safe.

                         ~Much Love~

                                     Joy

I don't need a special day to bring you to my mind. Each day I awake knowing that you're no longer with us. No one knows my heartache as I try to carry on. My heart still aches with sadness and the tears still flow. what it means to lose you no one will ever know. My thoughts are always with you, your place no one can fill. In life I loved you dearly; in death I love you still. Sadly missed, but never forgotten...

I know you're looking down on Kent on your special day, because I know how in love you really were. I'm so glad you got to experience true love! You found that special person that made your life complete. Thinking of you on this very day! I love  you so so much!!!

I went to high school with Amanda and I could not believe the news when I saw that she had passed on our reunion website. I am sorry for your loss. An angel on earth is now at her rightful place in heaven. God bless you all.

              You will be remembered when the flowers bloom in spring

                              And in summertime remembered

                                 In the fun that summer brings

 

                                   You will be remembered

                                When fall brings leaves of gold

             In the wintertime,remembered,in the stories that are told

 

               And you will be remembered,each day right from the start

                             For the memories that we once shared

                                     Forever live within my heart

Amanda,

 

I had you on my mind and thought I'd write to you. I miss talking with you so much and miss us getting together and doing whatever. I miss your bright blue eyes and your beautiful smile, I miss seeing you out and about with your girls. I have some very precious memories of you! I'm still waiting on someone to wake me up and tell me this is all a bad dream.

Amanda,

 

I saw were your precious girls lit a candle for you. As I read each of the messages it brought me to tears. As I was telling your sister Angela I would have been brought to tears even if it were just their names that I saw. Last night I was reading their messages out loud to a friend of mine and before I could finish the last message I was crying like a baby. I can't imagine what your girls must be going through. There are days when I think I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I'm sure what I'm going through is nothing compared to what your babies are feeling deep down inside of their tiny little hearts. I know God always has a reason and a purpose for everything but he knows I'll never understand why children so small have to live a life without their mother. I've always heard that we should never question God. I have to admit I do question him and I do get mad at him for certain things happening in our lives that's out of our control. I pray that God will keep your babies safe from all harm, that he will help them through this trying time in their lives,  and that he'll light their way through this lifetime of theirs without their mother there by their sides and that this will somehow make them strong. Amanda you are missed by so many, but most of all by your precious babies. I don't understand why we have so much pain laid upon our hearts at such a tender age. I still ask that everyone please keep these beautiful babies in your thoughts and prayers and know this is by far the hardest thing they'll ever have to endure at such a young age.

The Day Of Your Funeral

They put your coffin in the ground on June 7th 2008 on a hot and humid day. A day I never dreamed would happen in a million years. The hardest part of all is when I had to turn and walk away because I didn't won't to watch them put you in the ground.

 

We all gathered at your dads house after the funeral. How strange it was to walk in and as quickly as your life ended the memories came flooding back of you still living there with Rebekah. The memories of her tiny little feet all about the house keeping you pretty busy running after her. I walked in the kitchen to talk with Mike and ask a few questions that I was unsure of about the accident. I walked into the dinning area stood there for a while just looking around at all the people there gathering in your honor. It seemed so strange to have everyone there and not see you anywhere amongst the crowd.

 

My head spinning with all these memories of you and Rebekah in this house, spinning with all the confusion of your death, spinning with all these emotions as I felt unsure what to do or what to say. Trying to keep my composure till I could get home and let the emotions of this day sink in and carry me off to a place I've never had to go before. I almost paniced at the thought of leaving your dads house knowing that everything familiar has now changed, my feelings I could not discard, I was thankful to have Kim by my side that terrible day.

 

As I walked into my house and stood in the doorway and watched my daughter pull out of the driveway I said a quick prayer that God would watch over her and keep her safe as this day held so many uncertainty's for me. I lay my clothes that I wore to your funeral aside not wanting to hang them up, they lay there as lifeless as I felt. One last chance to hear your voice I craved as I walked around feeling as empty as the glass I carried to the kitchen.

After the funeral

The days go by and nothing seems to be the same anymore, it's almost as if it has changed everyone in a way that I don't understand. Many hearts breaking many hearts changing, trillions of tears silently falling on the faces of your loved ones as we're left here without you by our sides. Hard to reach out to anyone because of all the pain and everyone hurting in their own ways, different emotions different levels how can one reach out when we don't understand why.

I still long to hear your voice, I crave to hear my phone ring and it be you on the other end. It's as though the pain is making it hard for me to remember all the times that you were here with us. 

 

Angela went on vacation and for some reason I was affraid for her to get on the roads that would carry her up North. I had told your dad that Angela wasn't you but she was the closet thing that I had to you. I know that was my selfishness speaking as they all are a part of you and they all mean a lot to me. Angela made it back home safe only to have Kim to go to Atlanta for a week that meant she'd be on the road to uncertainty to take a class on management. I talked with Kim over the phone until she reached Atlanta and the hotel in which she'd be staying. I know how unsafe that was but I couldn't make myself hang up, I just wanted to hear her voice as she said ok mom I'm here let me get off of here. Seems my life is starting to fill with fear of anyone having to travel the roads as I know that's how your life ended and how Kim's almost ended back in 95. I'm really starting to hate the roads and wish that we could go back to horse and buggie days.

Months Down The Road

5 months and 12 days later I'm still sitting here confused as I was the day of June 3rd 2008. The pain is no less today than it was the day of. I can't tell you the emails I've sent out to people letting them know how much you mean to me, and how I took all the tomorrows for granted. I want everyone to know how much you've done for me in your all to short lived life, and how much everything you did for me meant more than you'll ever know. I wish I could have one more day to be telling you these things that I've been busy telling everyone else. I know God only takes the best or so I've been told, you were the best and now your new home is in Heaven far from ours here on earth. How could I want to take you away from your new heavenly home even for a day, I know that is selfish of me to wish that. I pray to the good Lord above that someday when we meet up again that he'll give me that chance to tell you just how precious you are to me. Through your death I've learned that life is full of uncertainty and that we shouldn't take a single breath for granted.

Hi Amanda,

 

Just wanted to write to you again. I now know that it's "I'm having a hard time letting you go"

I have work that I need to get done and I can't seem to do it, all I want to do is come here to your memorial site and read what everyone has wrote and cry. I was suppose to create a book cover for somebody and passed on it because I couldn't focus on it. I passed on building a website for someone else because I couldn't get motivated and seems like I've lost interest in building websites. Now someone has came to me three weeks ago and ask me to update their website with a fresh look. I tried yesterday to get started on it and here I sit with nothing done to it. I find if it involves you I have no problem but if it doesn't involve you then I just can't seem to get it done. I love it when I'm home alone or in the car by myself it gives me time to talk with you and concentrate on just you. I'm really waiting on someone to wake me up and tell me this is all a bad dream. I pray to God that this happens soon for life was so much better with you here. You're on my mind a lot and I don't won't anyone to forget just how special you are.

 

I find myself racing to sign into myspace, racing against whom or what I don't know. I get excited for the weekends now because I know Amy will get to see the babies and take pictures for us all to see. Everytime Angela and Amy get to see your babies on the weekends I race over to see what pictures they've taken and uploaded. I look at pictures of Kendel and realize that she's starting to look a lot like you.. Amy and Angela are such great people and are so very special. I thank God that he gave you such precious sisters. Each of them have different qualities about them that reminds me alot of you. 

 

I now know it's not that I don't won't to let you go, it's I'm having a hard time still yet.

I love you Amanda and you're so dear to my heart. I thank God as Angela says for letting

us borrow you even if it was for a very short time. I think of you always!

 

 

 

 

 I miss everything about you! You went full speed ahead in everything you did. Amanda I know you now have all the answers to the questions people here on earth strive to find the answers to. I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that you're gone, I know you're in God's precious care now, and you're needed there. I Love you so much and I will carry you in my heart, thoughts, and memories. You were so thoughtful, brave, caring, and giving. You were certainly one of a kind, you are such a precious, precious person!

Hi Amanda, I have never met you but as a member of Families Helping Families of the SC Highway Dept. I feel like I have got to know you through your husband, Kent. He has permitted me into your life via email, phone calls and pictures of you, a beautiful young lady, and your lovely family. He misses you deeply and loves you so much. I keep him in my thoughts and prayers as he travels this new journey in this new season of his life. Because of the woman you were to him he is going to make it and be alright. I beleive that everytime he looks at your beautiful smile it gives him added strength to keep going. The pictures of your three daughters are so precious. We don't understand God's sovereignty, we just simply have to accept it. Sometimes it's very hard but we do survive. 

Hi Amanda,

 

I can't remember ever writting you a letter. So I thought now would be a good time. I'm sitting here in my livingroom recalling thoughts of the day that you had came by to visit with Kim, and you know me I couldn't always let just you and Kim visit with one another without me popping in on the conversations from time to time. Anyway, you were looking at the color of the walls here in my livingroom (still the same color today as they were then) you were telling me what colors of carpet I should get to go here in the livingroom. I'm seriously thinking of going with one of the two colors you said would look good. I'm not sure if I ever told you or not but I always valued your opinions. I always loved listening to your thoughts on different subjects as they came up in our conversations. I didn't mean to step in on yours and Kim's visits with one another but at the same time I wanted to visit with you also, I really don't think that Kim minded she just didn't like it when the two of us would start talking and she'd feel left out. She feels the same way when my sister jennifer is over also. I finally about a year ago told Kim that if she wanted to say something and she felt like she couldn't speak then to shout at us hey I'd like to say something here. It works as from time to time that's what she does, and it works out well. Just wanted to tell you this Amanda because I know you'd get a kick out of that. Sometimes our weird sense of humor was so much alike.

 

As I sit here and think about all the times that you came over to visit with us saddens my heart so much to know that we'll not have visits like that anymore. Precious memories of you and just how precious, true, pure, and so lively your soul was. How can I let go? To be honest with you I'm not real sure that I want to, I want to hang on to you forever. I'm so glad that God granted us a memory bank to recall back on. Tons of precious memories are flooding my memory as I write this letter to you. Like the time when Kim was in her car wreck and you came down to visit and before I knew it you were doing all these things for Kim like pushing her around in her wheel chair, you were so proud to be doing that for her. Watching you fuss at Kim when she would try to do something stupid because she wasn't in her right mind at the time, I knew then you'd make the perfect mother someday. I'm not sure why but you were the only person that I would let fuss at Kim while she was in the hospital. Penny came down and I recall telling her that she couldn't be fussing with Kim at the things she may say or do. Maybe that's why Kim knew you before she knew me, not sure. You see you could have done anything around me and it would have been alright with me, you were that special to me. You see Amanda outside of Kim my heart has never known this kind of love for another individual before and that's why I don't won't to let you go.

 

I remember your first car that your dad bought for you. The interior started hanging down and rubbed against the top of your head and I  never heard you once complain about that, you may have to others but you never did to me. I don't recall you complaining about a lot of things that I would have in a heart beat. I remember the church you went to down in Simpsonville you invited us to come and go to church with you some. We did make it to one of the revivals you all had there and a couple of Sundays to listen to the preacher preach. We'd get on the phone through out the week and talk about what the preacher preached about. I remember watching you sing out at the old McAllister Square with your school class. In ways I was surprised that you didn't become a singer with the talent that you had. Watching you and Kim here at the house act like rock star singers was so cool. You and Kim would draw outfits, dresses and shoes I'm not sure what ever happened to all the drawings but it doesn't matter because they are stored in my memory bank to reflect back on.

 

I remember this one time Kim was staying the night with Angela two houses down from me, you came over around 11:30 that night and picked them up you were in your dads bronco and it was kind of loud. Kim knew she wasn't suppose to be going anywhere after a certain hour that night, well I was already in bed but the sound of that bronco woke me up, I heard the doors shut and I knew you all were going somewhere so I called down to Angela's and spoke with her sister I didn't ask her where you all were going, I just said you have 15 minutes to get them back home in. I know that had to be embarassing for you and Kim but I had no clue what you all would be up to that late at night. Well Angela's sister couldn't get you all back home in that length of time so she broke down and told me that you all had went to the bowling alley, I called the bowling alley to make sure that you all were there, I spoke with Kim and told her when you all were done ya'll were to get back to Angela's. I guess you all did, I fell asleep and didn't hear otherwise. I was so overly protected of Kim then mainly because of the car wreck she was in. I know you understood because we had several conversations on that topic. I could go on here with my memories but I suppose I better not I would end up writting a book instead of a nice short letter. I've never missed anyone like I miss you. That's were I can't figure out if I'm having that hard of time letting you go or is it that I don't won't to, "I'm not sure".

 

 

 

Hi Amanda,

I wake up each night several times through out the night with you on my mind. I don't rest to well now days, I try to get things done durning the day and find myself getting nothing done. I have you on my mind night and day and can't seem to find any peace at all. I'm on a roller coaster ride here, up and down with my emotions. I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling this way but sometimes it feels as though I am. I'm really having a hard time with this.  I just want to put everything on hold and bring the world to a standstill until I can find some peace. You meant so much to me, and I love you dearly! I can't undo the past but if I could, I'd find a way to see you each and everyday, If I couldn't find a way to see you everyday then, I'd find the time to call you atleast once a day. If I couldn't find a way to call you everyday, then I'd drop you a letter in the mail. I wish I hadn't threw my old answering machine away for I'm sure there I'd find your voice as you had called several times and left me messages on it. What I'd give to hear your voice again or see that beautiful smile. Love you lots!

I miss you more than
words can express,
Letting you know
that I'm missing you today.

I miss you Amanda